I’m always going to be an artist.
No matter how hard I try to deny it, run away from it, disown it, throw it away. I’m always going to come back to it, with open arms, crying endlessly asking myself why didn’t I ever take it seriously. I would have been good at it by now, if only I had the courage. And even though at times I feel like I suck big time, that I’m endlessly frustrated with whatever skills (or talent) I have in me, along with the constant success of other people, that other people seem to be getting more attention than their works require, I’ll just pick up my pen. Look at them, and say to myself, someday I’m going to make art that will express the emotion I want it to be. That people will feel what I want them to feel.
I guess taking up my course in college didn’t help either. It was the only way I could go into the world without having those weary eyes on me. I’m not one to judge artist but when it’s actually you, that’s going to attempt to be good it, that’s a different story. People always have a certain paradigm that people who pursue the arts would end up working in cafe shops, as call center agents or sales personnel. The only few that make it big are those that we see in conferences. And there aren’t that many conferences, so there are many of them either.
But with this identity crisis I’m currently facing, I took a look at myself, and at what I want to do in my life. Surely, I don’t want to have my own little cubicle, waiting for coffee and looking at the time to pass by. I don’t want to come home to a family that I have to feed, a dysfunctional husband, a pile of clothes to wash, a sink full of disgusting dishes and a flock of irritating kids with homeworks I have to make. I don’t want to be caught off-guard with an immense responsibility of bringing in a child into this world, telling them to reach their dreams when I didn’t have the courage to pursue mine. When I didn’t have mine realized.
So with a couple of sleepless nights, a truck load of green tea consumed and a sense of relief, a flowing river of inspiration, I decided not to run away and face myself in the mirror. I can’t deny it. I’m always gonna keep on drawing, writing, taking photographs, makings songs and randomly pressing notes on guitars or the piano. And even though I’m going to juggle around three or four freelance jobs, alongside with my so-called regular job and a master’s degree to finish, I’ll always find time to make art. Graphika Manila has yet again made me realize that why do I have to keep running away. Why do I have to keep on telling myself I can’t do this when I haven’t even tried. And honestly, I’m tired of seeing everyone succeed in what they do, I think it’s time that I start doing something and see where it gets me.
So I’m not gonna complain when there’s too much work, and I’m never gonna stop. I’m going to push until I finish it. Juggle a lot of it and make sure I keep on learning, keep on doing and keep on practicing. So yes, I’m opening my illustrator, committing myself to drawing once a day, write once a week and take a picture every chance I get. It’s all about commitment. I think it’s time to tie myself with the arts. This lovely affair. If you have the time, you can look at the things I do randomly over here. This is the first time I’m giving out this link (even though it’s my website url on last.fm).
Cheers. For art.
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