Kitchen Sink

while waiting for the last episode of America’s Next Top Model cycle 9 (which i know Saleisha would win) i was thinking about the things that will determine who i am. watching Jenah looking for herself in the competition, i asked myself a couple of times, who was i meant to be? what am i suppose to do? where do i go from here? how do i get there? where is “there”?

my mom said i haven’t been making any savings this couple of months. even if i manage to get the money for tammy’s PSP and pull off a real nice gift for my mom this coming mother’s day. i haven’t really invested something i like for myself. for me. i have continually made lists of things i want but i never really get them fulfilled. i have never had a list accomplished thoroughly. and i want that to change.

the bombshell was landed on me when the finances are getting to be handled by me since i am turning eighteen. paying the interest, bills and setting up my own accounts are hard especially when there is no one to help you or guide you. my mom is continually bitter on how dad treats him. and since i appear to be neutral (even if i argue with my dad big time) i get to “practice” management through real life situations.

i use to be happy being able to do the grocery and managing to buy five bags with only a thousand pesos. but managing THE budget for a WHOLE month?! being able to pay the bills on time?! handling financial situations?! aren’t i just suppose to rant about how probably my MICPRC1 professor who does not teach properly or how SOCTEC2 is irrelevant to my course?! how much time i need to spend bumming around in amphitheater?! which trends are in this season?! will David Cook or Archuleta win American idol?! aren’t i suppose to be bother by peer pressure, what course i REALLY am suppose to be or what OJT i shall choose?!

well, i am not bother anymore since it’s all in my face.

RIGHT THERE!

and i can not control it. it’s one of those things that are external. you can not control how fast it is. you just have to find a way to live with it. i am scared. i have no hand to hold in facing this and my mom isn’t helping very much.

can i hold yours?

i just want to save up money and buy my dSLR. i just want to spend a summer in Pagudpud and eat the way i use to. i want to stay late in Gokongwei gallery and go to movies whenever i want with Andrew and friends. i miss my friends, my sleepover memories and the misadventures i have. i miss taking life as it is, walking slowly, taking one day a time, waking up with nothing to do and nothing to prove. ☺☻

but in this world, you have to be something. you have to be someone. the only thing playing in my mind is the thing the fish said in Shark’s Tale. that sometimes being nobody is better than being somebody that everybody’s with. because when you are nobody, you look at things in a different way. a much better way. outside the box. i like it outside the box. it makes you look at the sun more.

you get to be real.

that’s the best part.

i want to be in a kitchen sink right now. though this sounds kind of random. being in the kitchen sink means you look at everything when it’s messed up, but you also see the transformation of those things from totally freaking dirty to obsessively clean. and you also get to see things get purified. it’s nice to be in the kitchen sink

so i will end this rather long with almost seven hundred words entry. and i thank you for taking the time to read through my endless rants and meaningless arguments. all is appreciated. ☺☻

and you, you right here in this page.

thank you